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| Myself Unknown...
These walls can only conceal
What the darkness won't reveal
As I'm trapped here, all alone
Stuck in myself, my thoughts, my soul
Contemplation is a fear
That takes me back to things not near
Captures my life and pulls it away
I'll think of you; and this I'll say,
I love you, but I hate to
I'm always here, but I'm never around
I'm all I can be, and nothing at all
I'm freedom of speech without sound
I'm just someone, as I'm just here
I'm depth, I'm light, mixed with delight
I'm sad as I'm happy, I'm free as I'm bound
I'm feeling in the flesh, I'm filled with regret
I'm the dead to your life, the struggle to your strife
The wrong to your right, the eyes to your sight
The feeling deep inside, the love that you hide.
-Written 1-22-07. - Feeling:uncomfortable
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| They say before you die, you see a light. So we count our days here on earth. Some fear that they will die before they are ready, before they are done fulfilling their life here. They're afraid of dying because of the uncertainty of what will happen next. But I don't. We fear death because we don't want the people we love to have to suffer for it. Sometimes, people think no one cares. But we're all related somehow in this world, someone is always effected. It really is smaller than you think. We're all here together, and though we don't think we have anything whatsoever in common with the stranger across the street, they could hold the key to our lives. I think about this alot, but it seems that anyone could make or break our life here.
For example, say person A gets in a car wreck and dies. Person B is person A's best friend, they weren't in the car wreck but it's taken a toll on them, and probablly much worse. Person B doesn't see the point of living without person A. Person B feels they can never feel happy again and that the only thing they had was Person A. Person B plans their suicide, but wants to make it a little more creative than just drug abuse, hanging themself, cutting, ect. So, person B gets on top of their apartment building and sets up a long noose that drops just under the traffic lights. They chose this roof in particular because it has a wide awning that stretches out almsot to the middle of the road. Person B puts their neck through the noose and waits at the edge of the building until the light turns green. That isn't all they are waiting for, they were waiting for the early morning bus route to begin. Every morning the busses would line up at the light to begin their routes. As the busses draw closer to the light, Person B jumps down from the large awning of the building as the long line of city busses starts to accelerate. However, Person B was innacurate in their planning. They stepped off the awning and swung much further than they planned, the noose was long on purpose, but this long was an accident. The slack in the rope was long enough for them to swing right in between the first bus as it went speeding on. As Person B turned their head and the rope started swinging them back across the street, low and only 5 feet off the ground, they heard screams from everyone around. The second bus swerved to the right, just where Person B was going. The bus brushed up against Person B and caused them to be rapidly pushed into the side of a building. Person B had noticed a crowd of people in the middle of the road standing around a young woman (person C) who had been hit and killed head on by the swerving bus, bus number 2. Person B was quickly hurled into the side of the building where two men were putting in windows. Person B was thrusted into the giant window and instantly killed by large, jagged pieces of glass through the chest, throat, and face. One of the men putting in the window(Person D) had ducked down and not been hurt, but the second(Person E) flew back from the impact of Person B swinging through the window and was thrown into a pile of jagged glass, nails, sharp pieces of wood, and other supplies in the shop and died with large pieces of glass through his back and a sharp piece of wood driven into his neck and spine. The driver of bus number 2(Person F) crashed into the side of the brick building while swerving out of the way for Person B, and was thrown through the windshield killing him on impact.
All while trying to save someone who wanted nothing but death. Yes, it's true that this sort of thing doesn't occur much or maybe even at all. However, chain deaths due to suicide, drug abuse, and just not paying attention do kill this many people or more. It's true that our life is in the hands of someone else, and that we don't know when our time to go is, because we aren't the ones who posess it. It's an abstract way of thinking, but it's possible. We fear death because we don't know. If we knew, we could prepare. If we could prepare, we would be ready and so would others. If we were ready, we would have time to "fulfill" our life, if we completed everything we would be ready, and if we were ready, we wouldn't fear.
It's something I've been thinking about, trying to figure out, I know it's not up to me. But because we don't know the time of our death, we prepare ourselves in advance. We tell others what we feel now, we tell them that we love them now, because we may never again have the chance. We live our lives to the fullest, so we can look back and say I am ready. I don't fear death, because I know it will happen when it happens. There's no point in holding back, holding things off that you want to do, working at a job that you don't enjoy, putting your passions on the back burner just for money, putting your dreams aside so you don't leave your old friends and family behind, passing up new opportunities for hopes from the past or future, and forgetting the present for dead memories, no matter how good. We fear not knowing, lonliness, and being wrong.
As for my day, I found answers to questions that no one else understands. I should give them more credit, I don't give them a chance. Anyway, that's good enough for me. I'm writing to myself, I like this better, this is for myself, it seems confusing as hell, but it's much clearer now. Why did you write about this of all things? You could write about friends, school, yourself, jesus, love, how your day really was. A. People fear death and I don't. I wanted to know why, and writing it out is so much easier. When I think about it, I can't focus because other things try to grab my attention. B. Friends..a few are great. They know it, I don't have to write about them for them to know it, because I can't even begin to express what they mean to me. Plus, they're all on myspace (except Sari). C. Sadly (maybe Happily?) (school is extremely boring, this matters more to me) this is what I do at school. =P D. Myself..I am writing about myself. These are my thoughts, a part of me, so I'm writing about myself. Maybe it's no the A, B, C, E, F, and G me, but it is me. E. Jesus..this helps me with that. Helps me understand, strengthens my faith. F. Love..they know, they don't care, it's over. Actually, it never happened, but if it did, it would deffinetly be over. I continue to try. Why? Ignorance, lonliness, jealousy? ..Love? Whatever the case, it's kind of a hopeless cause. They say it goes away. ..Who is "they"? G. How my day really was..I went to school, I wasted another day of my life and something meaningful I could be doing. Fun to see friends there and most people would agree, but there are so many other things I would rather be doing. It's taking away the freedom we have at youth, when we have the most energy to follow our dreams and do what we want, we're confined to a class to learn about things that happened decades ago. School is important, but being able to pursue your passions is more important to me. I guess I need both, or just the first one. I don't want to write about what I don't enjoy. I don't like school, so why re-live it in a post?
There's no point to it (for me). I want to use this to clear my thoughts, not create them. Everyone can read it, but it doesn't matter. Maybe it would if I wrote about A-G. It's kind of sad that the most meaningful things in life are taken the least serious, ignored, and left behind. I guess it depends on who you are and your priorities. If you base your life on thoughts, freedoms, philosophy, peace..or..friends, school, jesus, love, and your day. I'm not saying I don't base my life around these things, I do. I'm saying I don't want to write about them, because what I write (if it makes sense or not) helps me understand my friends, pay attention more in school, understand and love jesus, understand that this "love" will work itself out you just have to be stronger, and by figuring these things, how my day went is extremely perfect. Probablly not the best thing, but usually I feel mixed up in the mornings. In the afternoon, after I've had time to think, I feel better. Why is this not a good thing? Because, school=morning. So? Well, it's not particularlly good to sit there and think when you should be learning/socializing, or whatever. You miss the concepts of both, but you figure it out later..it's weird, it's hard to explain. But finding answers to these questions, makes me more light-hearted, it makes me happier. I don't feel like I need to know everything, I just want to understand what matters to me, and by doing this it makes me feel much better about everything in general.
( Made by UrbanCinderella on dA. ) - Feeling:thoughtful
 - Sound:Santana.
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| How the past is not concrete and existing, it's just memories in people's minds. Everything only exists in reality in this moment now.
By concrete, I mean physically existing. Nowhere does it exist in reality, in the physical world. But then again, who is to say happiness doesn't exist because it doesn't physically? Or hope, or faith, or love, or feeling. All of these exist without physically existing. What we hold from the past in our minds doesn't physically exist but the sense of remembering it is what makes it alive to us. The definition of exist is something that is or something that is to be. It's a step down from sentience, my idea of sentience is knowing that you exist.
But also, all humans are living in the past. There is some fraction of a second the body needs to register, receive, and process information that is the world around us. So everything you know happens *now* really happened before you realized it. So if you think about it, there is no "now". There's only "here". The world exists as you perceive it.
Just a thought....
P.S. Why is it that every time I don't have my camera with me, the sky is the most beautiful? It was an extremely perfect shot. Isn't it ironic? I swear, I was down by St. Lawrence for soccer today and it was amazing, but you know, of course. This is how karma repays me!!
Alright, i'm done. Okay, I know I'm going to pass out during school. - Feeling:Tired but good......
- Sound:Dia De Enero-Shakira
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| Question: What would happen if everyone got what they wanted?
I think that it would lead to the conclusion that each one of us, was truly alone. Since, many people's wishes would contradict one another, the only way in which everyone could get what they wanted would be if each person lived in a sperate, parallel universe. There wouldn't be anything left, because there is so much people want to have. There also wouldn't be much people left, because what some people want is a bit of someone else.
Nobody knows what they really want, and if they did it would make them unhappier than they were. We become better people learning along the path and in a structured way. If we could have anything we wanted no one would feel like they needed anyone else, no one would need a God because they would feel just as powerful, no one would need anything. If we all could have whatever we wanted we wouldn't feel the need for other people, yet we would be more alone than ever before, but this time by personal choice. Here is where the old saying is true: "be careful what you wish for." | |
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| I was just looking around and I found this website:(http://www.43things.com/). There's a search bar on the main page and it asks "What do you want to do with your life?". You enter something that you would like to do with your life (make the world a better place, lose weight, be more spontaneous, save more money, send money to the poor, learn to love myself, make someone else happy everyday, take a photo a day to document my life, and see the world were some examples). When you find the category you want click on it and it will take you to a page with the subject you chose. There's a forum and people that are trying to achieve this goal in their life and what they're doing to do it. I really like this site,
so I thought I'd post about it.
Some categories I chose:
- Make The World a Better Place.
- Be More Optimistic.
- Love Yoursef.
- Be More Outgoing.
- Meet New People.
- Grow in Christ.
and some other things that I really think will help me.
Hope you find something in this site too.
One thing that I found especially interesting (relating to the "Be More Outgoing" forum). Someone posted an entry that was exactly what I feel like every day.
"I'm not much for small talk. I like to talk about things that have meaning. I'm deep, and I'm finding that the majority of people aren't. I don't really care what actor is dating who or what athlete was arrested for what, and these are the type of things most people talk about. Sometimes I feel like I'm watching television, just watching everyone else and making no contributions. I'm more introverted. I think about things A LOT. I wonder "why" a lot. I don't have a hard time talking to strangers. I think this is because there is so much to find out about them, and so much to talk about. It's when these people become aquaintances I find there is nothing to talk about. I am telling myself to say something but nothing comes out. The more I pressure myself the more I come up with nothing."
If you know me (and I mean actually know me, deeply) other than just "small talk" then you probablly think this is a perfect match like I do. If not, it's because I haven't told you, and that wouldn't be that unusual either. I agree that everything he mentioned relates to me. Especially "I like to talk about things that have meaning. I'm deep, and I'm finding that the majority of the people aren't." Sadly, it's true that most of my friends and even family, along with almost everyone else my age is this way. Another thing, "I think about things A LOT. I wonder "why" a lot. Sometimes I feel like I'm watching television, just watching everyone else and making no contributions." I can also really relate to this. I do think a lot, "why" questions, and I do it all the time. Thinking about everything; what someone says to me, how I respond, what someone is feeling, how someone thinks I'm feeling, how I come off to other people, other people's problems, my problems, the last thing I said to someone; for example, just things like that and more. I worry a lot, I wish I didn't. Sometimes it's things that don't feel like they matter. Most of the time, they do. I worry about things that don't effect me at all along with things that mean everything. I wish I didn't worry and waste time and zone out and forget and reflect and try so hard to do it. I do feel like I'm watching people on television most of the time. I'm somewhere else when I'm right there.
But reading what this person had to say, I'm torn between two ideas:
1. You should love yourself for who you are.
2. You should embrace change and better your life.
I do love myself for who I am and I don't want to change myself. But at the same time I really do want to better my life and do things that will be good for me, now and in the future. Instead of choosing one or the other, I'm going to take both of these ideas that I strongly agree with and form them together into the person I want to be. I've recently been depressed about some things for awhile now, that some people know about and some things that no one knows about. I think this is what will make me happier or atleast make enough change to improve my life. I know that things won't change if you don't try but I also know things just don't work out sometimes and you need to accept it. The "Grow in Christ" and "Be More Optimistic" groups are very inspiring. It's given me hope that other people do know what I'm going through and are actually dealing with the same thing themself. I hope you can find something out of this too.
Peace. =] - Feeling:tired
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| ok remember that one entry where I said the guy that was getting mad because I was slapping him, his name was Resources? Well, it's actually Staber. lol, this screenshot has proven me wrong.  | |
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| Step One: Find something way too high for you. (elite is even better). =D
Step Two: Attack it.
Step Three: Run Away. (but run slow, so it has a chance to catch you).
Step Four: Keywords: Let it catch you.
Step Five: Let is stomp you with its giant foot a few times.
Step Six: And then you're dead =D
(Note the text at the spirit healer). /yell: DAMNIT!! | |
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| Some random screenshots of me (Icemaidenn, 42 Human Frost Mage of Riders of Pern)
due to obsessive brother. and that one noob, Alandia.. 19 druid x]
Reindeer Mount. xD
My other sexy mount. lol
in SW before BG.
When I was taking sari through VC. xD
Sari & I on the roof in GS, it's easy now..but it took forever to figure out lol.
Say goodbye to this tomorrow =( lol
RFD.
AE SPAM!! =D
Icemaidenn slaps Resources. Ouch!
Icemaidenn slaps Resources. Ouch!
Icemaidenn slaps resources. Ouch!
Resources: bitch.
Icemaidenn slaps Resources. Ouch!
Resources: then duel!
*duels noob..I own him.*
Icemaidenn: LOL.
Icemaidenn bursts into a dance
Resources: I have 2 60s by the way..
Icemaidenn: Then get on them.
Resources: No, I bet you don't have a 60
Icemaidenn: I have 5
Resources: Then get on it.
Icemaidenn: Nah, because you don't really have one.
Resources: LIER
Alandia: Learn how to spell..*LIAR
Icemaidenn slaps Resources because he is a LIER.
Alandia: Just admit you're a noob, its not that hard..
Alandia: I'M A NOOB EVERYONEE!
Icemaidenn: screenshot, haha.
Random Noob: ICE!
Icemaidenn: WHAT F00L?!
Random Noob: Can you help me with a quest plz
Alandia: ALANDIA IS A NOOB!!!!
Oh yeah, and that Alandia chick is a total noob. haha x]
- Feeling:.... sexy.
- Sound:Hendrix
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| Autumn 00x16 (10:36:42 PM): hey dont tell anyone...
Autumn 00x16 (10:37:07 PM): but i found out i have a baby whale growing inside my mouth, (but keep it on the DL)
Autumn 00x16 (10:37:58 PM): its growing into my brain, and beginning to become a problem
Autumn 00x16 (10:38:41 PM): they said that i can remember my dreams now because the whale is sending them to my brain.. like a jumper cable.
Autumn 00x16 (10:40:22 PM): also, because the whale is getting bigger it's getting a bigger appetite so instead of just eating all the food i eat it is starting to eat my brain
LOVERS END X0 (10:40:46 PM): you my friend, are on crack
Autumn 00x16 (10:40:50 PM): i have about 2 weeks left until the whale gains freedom
Autumn 00x16 (10:41:42 PM): it will eventually gnaw its way through my skull and eat my eyeballs like olives in a martini.
LOVERS END X0 (10:42:09 PM): she's too fat for me
Autumn 00x16 (10:42:17 PM): hahahah
Autumn 00x16 (10:42:26 PM): that is why im always hungry, you see
Autumn 00x16 (10:42:33 PM): the whale is stealing my food
Autumn 00x16 (10:48:20 PM): what do you think?
Autumn 00x16 (10:49:16 PM): you're just going to let it eat me!
LOVERS END X0 (10:50:53 PM): i'll let it eat you.
Autumn 00x16 (10:51:00 PM): NO!
LOVERS END X0 (10:51:05 PM): lol
Autumn 00x16 (10:51:09 PM): you must stop it!
LOVERS END X0 (10:51:21 PM): how?
Autumn 00x16 (10:51:53 PM): shhhhhh..
Autumn 00x16 (10:52:05 PM): i can't tell you right now.. it's listening.
LOVERS END X0 (10:52:33 PM): ...we're on aim not talking
Autumn 00x16 (10:52:45 PM): it can see through my eyes
Autumn 00x16 (10:54:16 PM): but i will say this...
LOVERS END X0 (10:54:19 PM): then look away and type it, enter, then exit
Autumn 00x16 (10:56:44 PM): the whale is angry at me for not feeding him enough and has threatened to travel to my neck and sleep there to block my airways and kill me, but he doesn't know that I have found out he is waiting until he will be able to escape, he is far to young to get away just yet, he will launch his plan in the next few months.
LOVERS END X0 (10:57:26 PM): okay, seriously. this is way fucked up. | |
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| my name is autumn.
testing entry. | |
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